I am writing from another patio today as we have completed our move and are emptying boxes into our new home. It’s a beautiful place and this is the very first time I have felt complete contentment living somewhere. It is a sense of peace that, until now, I was unfamiliar with. We are finally embracing what our souls have been longing for.
We spent many years dreaming, planning, thinking about this place and what it would be like and we found 24 out of the 28 ideas of what we wanted in a home. Our plan was to move into our ‘dream home’ after our youngest went off to college. We have accomplished this goal just short of a year and a half out since he started college. It feels wonderful and I am looking forward to sharing it with ‘my tribe’
But, last night I woke in the middle of the night and that’s when I heard you crying. In some ways I didn’t understand why. In other ways I knew full well the physical and emotional pain you are enduring. The pain from your physical ailments and the emotional pain of all the brokenness surrounding you. I had tried not to be there for it…as I prefer that hope be my anchor….and so there I was leaving you, my soul, on your own knowing that you are a strong person and that if I kept focusing on the hope, that I could carry us both into this beautiful new life. For that I am sorry. Sorry that I didn’t ‘recognize and address it. Sorry that I didn’t slow you down when you were in such terrible physical pain and sorry that I hadn’t taken better care of you so that your defective body would not be having such a devastating effect on you now. It is during the night when all is quiet and my mind is not racing with pushing through no matter how you feel, ‘making life happen’…. it is then that I hear you; I hear you loud and clear. I hear you and that is when I feel your pain the most. And, this time, sweet and good soul of mine, I promise to address it. I promise to slow down, to stop when you need to stop and to find hope in the moments. I never want to bring you to that point again where your pain is so agonizing that you can’t sleep and can’t enjoy the peace and solitude of this beautiful place. Because this is why my hubby and I worked so much to make our dreams come true and why we came here….to nourish our souls.